Posts Tagged ‘chapter’
My first chapter? On scale 1-5?
Question: My first chapter? On scale 1-5?
Chapter one
My baby brother Gage sat in his highchair,flinging food onto the little blue monkey mat under it. I sat in my little princess chair,being fif-teen made this weird but my daddy bought me it and I wouldn’t let some weird kid take it away from me! “Gage!Stop flinging food!”My mother called. She was very fed up with Gage throwing food and not wanting to eat,sometimes she even force fed him! “Muh!”Gage cried,he was only one and usually he ate alot but since we moved to Connecticut he stopped all together. “Stop it Gage!You just got it in my hair,”I shouted,when pudding flung straight into my brown sleek hair,that was wavy. My mother walked into the room,very p*ssed off at Gage.
**********
I grabbed my books out of my locker and shut it very fast. I couldn’t be late for class again or I would be suspended! I turned around from my sparkly pink locker,at my school we got to design them! I dropped my books and leaned down to get them. All my papers were all over the floor. Hands bent down to pick up things. And I looked up. A boy my age stood there. Short black hair,blue eyes and very nice smile. “H,hi,I’m Lizzy.
“I’m Caleb,I am in your psych class.”
He picked up my book that had all my homework in it. “Nice,you want to be a crime scene investigator.” The bell rang and we raced into the class room. “Mm look at them,the two late birds Caleb and Lizzy what a surprise class,”The teacher said. “Sorry Mr. Fantose,I dropped my books and Caleb helped me.”
“Is that true,Mr.Moore?”
“Yeah.”
Fudge.I thought. Not sure what Mr. Fantose would do to us.
“Well sit down,don’t just stand there.Today we are talking about vampires.”
Thats all I have but im fourteen
Answer:
Answer by Spellbound
Regardless of your age, I’m going to critique this story as I would for any other person, first with a proofread, and finally with a plot-overview. I hope this is of use to you 
Section 1: Proofread
First of all, some generic points:
1) Tone down on the exclamation marks – your words should carry the weight and show emphasis, without the aid of the exclamation marks.
2) Remember to have a new line for every new speaker.
3) In the English language, a comma is used before or after (or before AND after) a name to show that the person whom the name belongs to is being addressed. I’ll give an example in your writing a little later.
4) Add in more description. This is a very, VERY short first chapter and is very fast-paced. You need to slow it down and, if I’m honest, make it a little bit more mature. At the moment, your writing style reflects your age. A remedy for this: read more books, particularly ones for adults or older readers rather than ones for teenagers, as the writing will (generally) be more mature. I would recommend books by Anthony Horowitz, Philip Pullman, Michael Scott and Garth Nix.
All right, now for the proofread proper (NOTE: all words in brackets are my own side notes meant for you; they are NOT meant to be included in the final, corrected sentence)
–’I sat in my little princess chair,being fif-teen made this weird but my daddy bought me it and I wouldn’t let some weird kid take it away from me!’ < < This should be: 'I sat in my little princess chair. (full stop/period) Being fifteen made this weird, (comma) but my daddy bought me it and I wouldn't let some weird kid take it away from me.' That's the technical correction. Now, who is this 'weird kid' who wants to take it from her? Gabe? Clarify because it's confusing. Also, when I think 'princess chair', I think of a tiny little thing for toddlers. If she's 15 and she can fit on it then my view of it is obviously incorrect (unless she's toddler sized). Therefore, describe the chair so that your reader knows what it's like and doesn't have to guess.
--'She was very fed up with Gage throwing food and not wanting to eat,sometimes she even force fed him!' < < Should be: 'She was very fed up with Gage throwing food and not wanting to eat; (semi-colon) sometimes she even force fed him.'
--'"Muh!"Gage cried,he was only one and usually he ate alot but since we moved to Connecticut he stopped all together.' < < Should be: '"Muh!" Gage cried. (full stop/period) He was only one YEAR OLD and usually he ate a lot ('a lot' is two separate words) but since we moved to Connecticut he HAD stopped all together.'
--'"Stop it Gage!You just got it in my hair,"I shouted,when pudding flung straight into my brown sleek hair,that was wavy.' < < Look at point number (3) on my list up there. Here's an example to demonstrate that point: 'Stop it Gage!' should be: 'Stop it, (comma) Gage!' This is a sentence where you can bring description in more: '“Stop it, (comma) Gage! You just got it in my hair,” I shouted (no comma) when pudding FLEW straight into my brown, (comma) sleek hair, STICKING TO ITS WAVES.'
--'My mother walked into the room,very p*ssed off at Gage.' < < I thought she was already in the room. Or did she call through from another room when she said 'Stop flinging food'? If so, tell the reader that! Description is a must here. Also, I think 'p*ssed off' is weak. People act in so many different ways when they're annoyed. Some are quiet and glare a lot; others grind their teeth and shout; and so on. What's the main character's mum like? Instead of a vague 'p*ssed off' describe how her anger manifests itself. Is it clear on her face? Is it only identifiable to the people who know her very well (e.g. the main character might recognise the icy anger in her mother's voice)?
--'I turned around from my sparkly pink locker,at my school we got to design them!' < < Should be: 'I turned around from my sparkly pink locker; (semi-colon) at my school we got to design them.' Please don't take offense at this, but at the moment your character seems a bit like a Barbie. She has a princess chair and a sparkly pink locker. Now, that's okay for her to have because it's who she is, but you need to show the reader WHY she's like that. For example, you said she had the princess chair because her dad gave it to her. The way she covets it makes it seem like her dad is no longer in the picture. Therefore, her keeping the chair might be her way of clinging on to his memory. See what I mean? There are often deeper psychological meanings behind all our actions. Exploit them for your story.
--'"Nice,you want to be a crime scene investigator."' < < Is this a question or a statement? If it's a question it should be: '“Nice. (full stop/period) You want to be a crime scene investigator?”' If it's a statement it should be: '“Nice. (full stop/period) You OUGHT to be a crime scene investigator.”' Or have I misunderstood that sentence. It's quite a confusing sentence, if I'm honest.
--'"Mm look at them,the two late birds Caleb and Lizzy what a surprise class,"The teacher said. "Sorry Mr. Fantose,I dropped my books and Caleb helped me."' < < Should be: '“Mm, (comma) look at them, the two late birds – (dash) Caleb and Lizzy. (full stop/period) What a surprise, (comma) class,” the (lower case letter for 'the') teacher said.
(NEW LINE) “Sorry, (comma) Mr. Fantose, I dropped my books and Caleb helped me.”'
Well, that’s all the technical corrections done.
Section 2: Plot overview
You say you want a mark out of 5. As this stands, I'd give it a 1 or a 2. But don't lose heart. You can still improve. As I've said, add in more description. When Lizzy meets this boy, take your time with your description, and integrate it into the story rather than simply describing him outright. Use introspection (the character's inner thoughts and feelings). How does Lizzy feel when she meets Caleb? Does Lizzy feel embarrassed when Mr Fantose tells them off? What's the class like? Laughing at them? Silent? There's some food for thought.
I would recommend you join a site specifically for writers rather than posting on Y!A, where you can get rude people answering. Now, I can't guarantee that no one will be rude to you on a writers' site, but people go on there specifically to read stories, so they might be more helpful. I would suggest www.booksie.com. It has such a friendly atmosphere and there are always people willing to read and comment on your stories. I know several people on that site who are very good at giving long, extremely detailed, constructive comments for novels (they've helped me more times than I can count). There's a link on my Y!A page if you want to have a proper browse around the site to see if you like it
I hope this helps you! Good luck in your writing
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What do you think of this chapter of my story?
Question: What do you think of this chapter of my story?
It’s like right in the beginning of the second chapter, so bear with me.
The next day they came upon a house she recognized. They stood outside and looked at it and she began to climb the stairs and he grabbed her sleeve. “I don’t want to go in there.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not an answer,” she said, “There is nothing in here.”
“Don’t make me go in there.”
“I won’t. I’ll only be in here for a second to look around and see if there is anything we might need. You just wait on the front porch. If you get scared call my name.” She went up the stairs and opened the unlocked door and went inside. Foggy and desolate from the view of the doorway. It seemed to eat her. He stood out in the cold for a moment and walked up the stairs and went in.
He called her name out in the gloom. She answered back and her voice sounded as if it struggled to reach him through the cold. It was dark in the living room and he felt his way along the wall until his hands met her back. He gripped for the fabric of her coat and held tight.
“I thought you were going to stay outside,” she says.
“It was cold outside.”
“Hold onto me.”
Through the living room. The strong wind blew the door shut and he jumped. He whispered something to her but it was too low for her to hear. “What?”
“I’m scared.”
“There isn’t anything to be afraid of.”
“I’m still scared. You don’t know that. What if I have a bad feeling?”
“We won’t be here long. I just want to see if we can find food.”
When they slowly shuffled inside the kitchen and he clung to her she saw there were tracks on the floor. Looked to be paw prints. He shook her arm and pointed. “What is it, momma?”
She did not answer but went to the cupboard and looked inside. Packages of instant noodles and unopened boxes of bottled water and canned goods. She took the duffle bag off and began to pack food inside around their small stash of clothes and rope and the miniature gas burner and the box of ammunition she packed just in case. “Hold the bag open.”
He did so and watched her throw things in the bag. Some landed on the floor and she picked them up and examined them and would either add them to their pack or throw them on the floor. She packed all the noodles and told him that even if they could not cook them in hot water they could eat them dry. She looked to her left and saw a box of trash bags lying on the floor and she told him to grab a few. He went over and took one out and began to unfold it when he looked out the window and saw an animal crawling outside with the carcass of a fawn in its mouth. He turned to her and pointed. “Momma, there’s something outside the window. There’s something out there.”
She looked up and went to him and draped her arm around him and hunkered next to him. She looked out the window and saw it and sighed. “Its a wolverine.”
“A wolf?”
“No. A wolverine.”
“Are they meat-eaters?”
“Yes.”
He looked out the window and pressed his hands against the glass and breathed on it leaving residue. “Is he going to eat it?”
She nodded her head.
“But it’s just a baby.”
“The wolverine might have babies of its own to feed too.”
He looked out the window at the beast until it was out of sight through the gray woods and he turned to her. “Would you do the same for me if we were wolverines?”
“I would do the same anyway.”
In that moment he believed her. He would have believed her if she told him they were going to survive the rest of the winter together but that would have been the first time she ever lied to him.
“I’m cold, momma.”
“Wrap in the blankets.”
“The blankets are itchy.”
“We don’t have anything else, though.”
He took one of the heavy home knitted quilts they had in the wheel barrel and clothed himself in it. He still shivered. The snow fell outside around them like soft comets. He was starting to catch a cold and they went to an empty pharmacy and looked for medicine. She made him take the syrup and he did not want to but she insisted. He took it and wanted to throw it up but he drank some water right after and put some salt on the back of his hand and licked it off. He was sneezing harder than ever and even after he went to sleep for some hours during the night he still woke up coughing and sneezing and complaining of a sore throat. He was making his throat click furiously and she told him to stop because it wouldn’t help any.
“It makes it feel better,” he said.
“It’s not doing anything for it. Don’t do it anymore.”
He was with the cold for another week and she began to get worried.
They were out of the town and headed into the forestry. Black and dead. In the distance through the trees they saw a pack of migrating elk staring at them. Waiting to see if they were a threat. They went trudging through the snow and he fell over a tree branch and landed face down in the snow. He started coughing heavily and she stopped and searched in the bag for water.
“Drink this, baby.”
He took the bottle and drank all of it
Answer:
Answer by Lana x
Omg that had me hooked from the beginning…I loved it…cud u email me chapter 1 or something cos I’d luv to read it…(=
Lana x
Give your answer to this question below!
Do you like this chapter?
Question: Do you like this chapter?
Lily’s eyes lit up like a flash-light, and pulled at the strap on her booster seat, but didn’t do it successfully. I smiled, and let her out. She cheered, and started jumping about.
“Freedom!,” Lily shouted, jumping onto the pavement.
“Yes, Freedom!,” I cheered, locking the car doors. All of a sudden, my phone rang. It was Chad on face-time. I sighed and tapped accept. “What do you want, Chad? Haven’t you hurt me enough?”
“Please, baby. Please. I love you. I love Lily. I even love the randoms, even though I was too embarrassed to say so! Please give me a second chance! When I come home, I’ll make it up to you; you’ll love it!,” Chad pleaded, crying.
“No. No. You think I’ll just give you a second chance? Are you kidding me? Just go home and wait for me.,” I screamed, ending the call.
I held Lily’s hand and ran to the hospital check in table.
“Tawni Hart, please.,” I asked politely, holding Lily’s hand.
“Yes, she’s here. Room 282.,” The lady replied.
I nodded and ran off to Room 282. I opened the door, and there she was. My best friend. Tawni Hart. Lily screamed and ran off to her to hug her.
“Mommy!”
I smiled, as I watched her jump on her lap and get her Bag and keys.
“Let’s go, my sweetie!,” Tawni said, making her way to the car with Lily on her hip.
I darted after them, and opened the car door for them and drove off.
5 minutes later, we arrived home. We were so hungry so we ran off to the kitchen, only to see this. Empty pots. Empty dessert pots, and of course Chad Dylan Cooper, my ex-boyfriend in the sitting room.
“CHAD!,” I screamed angrily, showing him the pots. “Who ate the frickin’ food?
“Um…. Me.,” Chad said nervously, biting his nails.
“That’s it. And to think I was going to give you another chance. I’m just gonna say this once. You better start packing. Get outta my house. Ill put 30 minutes on the microwave and you better be done packing when that microwave beeps.,” I said firmly, pushing him away and going back to the kitchen to cook and have a good cry. While I was cooking, Tawni and Lily had a major cuddle session on the sofa.
“Chad, I’m not messing with you! 25 minutes! You better be finished!”
I made the same thing I made before- lasagne, meat pie, and a nice molten lava cake- again! By the time I had finished cooking, Chad had finished packing. He came up to me, and tried to kiss me, but I slapped him.
“Don’t you dare! You know, it’s not even about the food, even if you didn’t eat the food, I would still kick you out!,” I screamed.
“I’m sorry. I love-”
“Get out.”
“Please-”
“Get out.”
“Bab-”
“GET OUT!,” I screamed for the last time, pushing him outside with his suitcases. “And don’t you dare come back!”
And with that I put my back onto the door and started crying, feeling my stomach.
“Baby, we’ll get through this. Your mommy will protect you. I love you, my lovely, or lovelies.,” I told my unborn baby or babies.
I cleaned my tears, and cut a large piece of lasagne and meat pie for me and Tawni, while Lily had a toffee chew bar.
If you want to read the whole story, heres the link: http://www.webook.com/submission.aspx?p=f01e1e2bc3ba4416b5bcfdf02872c2df&st=5165a62d439f464c8e45fb6a63a83287
On a scale of 1-10 what do you think of this story?
Will I make it as a author???
Im 12 nearly 13
Answer:
Answer by Helen
The best part is the fighting with boyfriend Chad. It is very natural — I don’t see the words, just the scene in my mind.
By contrast, the first few paragraphs got too many adverbs, which are like pebbles on sidewalks — distracting when you just want to walk slowly with your thoughts.
Good luck with the rest of the story.
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Can you give opinions on my chapter?
Question: Can you give opinions on my chapter?
He took a turn down an avenue where the city park was located. Bailey’s father had taken her there on numerous occasions to feed the ducks with bread and marshmallows. In the day, the greenery and wide lake reflected the area’s beauty. The tall, brick architectural structures surrounded the area outside of the park. It was a great place to go wandering around at. It was too bad Bailey didn’t have any friends besides Jamie to do it with.
“This movie better be good.” he said in a faux-warning voice.
“The reviews in the papers said it was hilarious.”
“Oh, so because the papers said it was funny, it means it’s true?”
“Yep.”
“Alright, whatever you say, Baby.”
“Bailey.”
“Baby.”
“Bailey.”
“Like I said before, they sound the same.”
“I’m not your baby.”
“I know. The nickname is just cute, like you.”
“Do you always flirt with the five hundred other girls you pick up?”
“What makes you think I have that many girls?”
“Do you?”
He just kept his eyes on the road with a sly smirk on his face. Even if her assumptions were true, she didn’t need to know all of that. It unnerved him that she was asking him so many questions about himself. He had clearly picked the rare one out of the box. It was better for them to not asks questions than to act like it were an interrogation section.
At least she’s fly. He thought.
They arrived at the movie theater fifteen minutes later. Bailey was surprised to see that a lot of people were there. It was always a popular place, but there was quite more people than she had seen before. She reached into her purse to pull out her wallet when Richard’s hand stopped hers.
“No, no. I’ll pay for everything.”
“Excuse me?” she asked, crinkling her eyebrows. “I’m fine paying for myself.”
“I’m taking you to the movies.” he said. “I’m paying.”
“Why?”
“Cause it’s the chauvinistic thing to do.”
“You mean chivalric.”
“Nope.” he laughed. “Now outta my way!”
He bumped her lightly on the shoulder as he passed her. She chuckled bemusedly as she followed after him. At the ticket counter, she noticed that a familiar looking couple was a few feet away getting their refreshments. As she got a closer look, she realized it was Katie Barnes and Jeff Straight. Needless to say, they hung out in Olivia’s circle. An unpleasant feeling settled in her stomach. She was hoping to not see anyone she knew from school. Her Friday night on a date could actually end up being decent. It wasn’t going to turn out that way if Katie was there to ruin it for her.
Wait a minute? Why do you care if your date is ruined or not?
“Yo, you okay?” Richard asked, tapping her lightly on her shoulder.
“Hmm?” She snapped out of her thoughts. “Yeah. Why?”
“I think you spaced out a little.” he said. “You tripping?”
“Hopefully,” she sighed.
He asked if she wanted any refreshments. She declined because of her knowledge of how many calories there was in the popcorn.
“Now I know you tripping?” he said. “Are you one of those skinny bitches who thinks she’s too good for food.”
“I love to eat.” she defended. “I just wanna be healthy.”
“Whatever. I’m hungry. If you want any, you’re free to change your mind, like I know you will.”
He looked at her with a rather endearing expression on his face. It was obvious he rarely took himself or anything serious for that matter. Katie and Jeff walked right past them. Bailey tried to play casual as if she didn’t notice them. But just when they were leaving their site, Katie touched Jeff on his arm. She leaned over to whisper something in his ear. Shortly afterward, Jeff turned around to give Bailey direct eye-contact. Katie pointed right at her before walking away.
“Here you go!” said Richard animatedly, handing her a large cup.
“What’s in here?” she asked.
“I don’t know what you like, so I just assumed Coke.”
“Coke is a pretty standard drink.” She gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” he said.
She felt his hand rope around her waist while he carried the refreshments in his other hand. At that moment, she didn’t feel like slapping his hand away.
Answer:
Answer by Jim
Woah. It looks pretty awesome. The characters are not cliche, as far as I’ve read. (The part with “they hung out in Olivia’s circle” seemed like what a stereotype of loner teenager would think). Anyway, your writing skills are good.
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Do you like my chapter from my story?
Question: Do you like my chapter from my story?
Lily’s eyes lit up like a flash-light, and pulled at the strap on her booster seat, but didn’t do it successfully. I smiled, and let her out. She cheered, and started jumping about.
“Freedom!,” Lily shouted, jumping onto the pavement.
“Yes, Freedom!,” I cheered, locking the car doors. All of a sudden, my phone rang. It was Chad on face-time. I sighed and tapped accept. “What do you want, Chad? Haven’t you hurt me enough?”
“Please, baby. Please. I love you. I love Lily. I even love the randoms, even though I was too embarrassed to say so! Please give me a second chance! When I come home, I’ll make it up to you; you’ll love it!,” Chad pleaded, crying.
“No. No. You think I’ll just give you a second chance? Are you kidding me? Just go home and wait for me.,” I screamed, ending the call.
I held Lily’s hand and ran to the hospital check in table.
“Tawni Hart, please.,” I asked politely, holding Lily’s hand.
“Yes, she’s here. Room 282.,” The lady replied.
I nodded and ran off to Room 282. I opened the door, and there she was. My best friend. Tawni Hart. Lily screamed and ran off to her to hug her.
“Mommy!”
I smiled, as I watched her jump on her lap and get her Bag and keys.
“Let’s go, my sweetie!,” Tawni said, making her way to the car with Lily on her hip.
I darted after them, and opened the car door for them and drove off.
5 minutes later, we arrived home. We were so hungry so we ran off to the kitchen, only to see this. Empty pots. Empty dessert pots, and of course Chad Dylan Cooper, my ex-boyfriend in the sitting room.
“CHAD!,” I screamed angrily, showing him the pots. “Who ate the frickin’ food?
“Um…. Me.,” Chad said nervously, biting his nails.
“That’s it. And to think I was going to give you another chance. I’m just gonna say this once. You better start packing. Get outta my house. Ill put 30 minutes on the microwave and you better be done packing when that microwave beeps.,” I said firmly, pushing him away and going back to the kitchen to cook and have a good cry. While I was cooking, Tawni and Lily had a major cuddle session on the sofa.
“Chad, I’m not messing with you! 25 minutes! You better be finished!”
I made the same thing I made before- lasagne, meat pie, and a nice molten lava cake- again! By the time I had finished cooking, Chad had finished packing. He came up to me, and tried to kiss me, but I slapped him.
“Don’t you dare! You know, it’s not even about the food, even if you didn’t eat the food, I would still kick you out!,” I screamed. I clenched my hands into fists, thinking about my baby. My head was about to explode. I was about to cry, but I couldn’t because I was happy in a way, because Chad was out of my life. I thanked God that he wouldn’t be in my baby’s life.
“I’m sorry. I love-”
“Get out.”
“Please-”
“Get out.”
“Babe-”
“GET OUT!,” I screamed for the last time, pushing him outside with his suitcases. “And don’t you dare come back!”
And with that I put my back onto the door and started crying, feeling my stomach. I found out what I just lost. My baby’s daddy. “How am I going to look after my baby?,” I thought myself.
“Baby, we’ll get through this. Your mommy will protect you. I love you, my lovely, or lovelies.,” I told my unborn baby or babies.
I cleaned my tears, and cut a large piece of lasagne and meat pie for me and Tawni, while Lily had a toffee chew bar.
Can you give me any advice to make my story better?
The link is: http://www.webook.com/submission.aspx?p=f01e1e2bc3ba4416b5bcfdf02872c2df&st=375f35de5ccb4bf6b683978b147dc407
Answer:
Answer by Luv is never ugly.
Isn’t this Sonny With a Chance. I love it, but awfully weird.Why are you writing this, and do you REALLY think it will be a published book.
What do you think? Answer below!
Do you like this chapter?
Question: Do you like this chapter?
Lily’s eyes lit up like a flash-light, and pulled at the strap on her booster seat, but didn’t do it successfully. I smiled, and let her out. She cheered, and started jumping about.
“Freedom!,” Lily shouted, jumping onto the pavement.
“Yes, Freedom!,” I cheered, locking the car doors. All of a sudden, my phone rang. It was Chad on face-time. I sighed and tapped accept. “What do you want, Chad? Haven’t you hurt me enough?”
“Please, baby. Please. I love you. I love Lily. I even love the randoms, even though I was too embarrassed to say so! Please give me a second chance! When I come home, I’ll make it up to you; you’ll love it!,” Chad pleaded, crying.
“No. No. You think I’ll just give you a second chance? Are you kidding me? Just go home and wait for me.,” I screamed, ending the call.
I held Lily’s hand and ran to the hospital check in table.
“Tawni Hart, please.,” I asked politely, holding Lily’s hand.
“Yes, she’s here. Room 282.,” The lady replied.
I nodded and ran off to Room 282. I opened the door, and there she was. My best friend. Tawni Hart. Lily screamed and ran off to her to hug her.
“Mommy!”
I smiled, as I watched her jump on her lap and get her Bag and keys.
“Let’s go, my sweetie!,” Tawni said, making her way to the car with Lily on her hip.
I darted after them, and opened the car door for them and drove off.
5 minutes later, we arrived home. We were so hungry so we ran off to the kitchen, only to see this. Empty pots. Empty dessert pots, and of course Chad Dylan Cooper, my ex-boyfriend in the sitting room.
“CHAD!,” I screamed angrily, showing him the pots. “Who ate the frickin’ food?
“Um…. Me.,” Chad said nervously, biting his nails.
“That’s it. And to think I was going to give you another chance. I’m just gonna say this once. You better start packing. Get outta my house. Ill put 30 minutes on the microwave and you better be done packing when that microwave beeps.,” I said firmly, pushing him away and going back to the kitchen to cook and have a good cry. While I was cooking, Tawni and Lily had a major cuddle session on the sofa.
“Chad, I’m not messing with you! 25 minutes! You better be finished!”
I made the same thing I made before- lasagne, meat pie, and a nice molten lava cake- again! By the time I had finished cooking, Chad had finished packing. He came up to me, and tried to kiss me, but I slapped him.
“Don’t you dare! You know, it’s not even about the food, even if you didn’t eat the food, I would still kick you out!,” I screamed. I clenched my hands into fists, thinking about my baby. My head was about to explode. I was about to cry, but I couldn’t because I was happy in a way, because Chad was out of my life. I thanked God that he wouldn’t be in my baby’s life.
“I’m sorry. I love-”
“Get out.”
“Please-”
“Get out.”
“Babe-”
“GET OUT!,” I screamed for the last time, pushing him outside with his suitcases. “And don’t you dare come back!”
And with that I put my back onto the door and started crying, feeling my stomach. I found out what I just lost. My baby’s daddy. “How am I going to look after my baby?,” I thought myself.
“Baby, we’ll get through this. Your mommy will protect you. I love you, my lovely, or lovelies.,” I told my unborn baby or babies.
I cleaned my tears, and cut a large piece of lasagne and meat pie for me and Tawni, while Lily had a toffee chew bar.
“Mommy?,” Lily asked.
“Yes, sweetie?,” Tawni asked.
“Sonny said we’re going to London.”
“Did she?,” She said, smiling.
I nodded, went to buy the tickets and went to go pack our suitcases.
“So we leave tommorrow.,” I said, coming from upstairs. “I’ve printed the tickets. What a nice way to get away from Mr. Armadilldork.”
“Yes, that weasel! I hate him now!,” Lily said angrily. “By the way, why were you vomiting before?”
“Um, Um, I’m going to have a baby, sweetheart.,” I said, kissing her on the forehead.
If you want to read the whole story here’s the link: http://www.webook.com/submission.aspx?p=f01e1e2bc3ba4416b5bcfdf02872c2df&st=5165a62d439f464c8e45fb6a63a83287
I’m 12 nearly 13
Answer:
Answer by Sweet Willie
This is perfectly cute and fun story!!
Keep up good work!!
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Do you like my chapter?
Question: Do you like my chapter?
Lily’s eyes lit up like a flash-light, and pulled at the strap on her booster seat, but didn’t do it successfully. I smiled, and let her out. She cheered, and started jumping about.
“Freedom!,” Lily shouted, jumping onto the pavement.
“Yes, Freedom!,” I cheered, locking the car doors. All of a sudden, my phone rang. It was Chad on face-time. I sighed and tapped accept. “What do you want, Chad? Haven’t you hurt me enough?”
“Please, baby. Please. I love you. I love Lily. I even love the randoms, even though I was too embarrassed to say so! Please give me a second chance! When I come home, I’ll make it up to you; you’ll love it!,” Chad pleaded, crying.
“No. No. You think I’ll just give you a second chance? Are you kidding me? Just go home and wait for me.,” I screamed, ending the call.
I held Lily’s hand and ran to the hospital check in table.
“Tawni Hart, please.,” I asked politely, holding Lily’s hand.
“Yes, she’s here. Room 282.,” The lady replied.
I nodded and ran off to Room 282. I opened the door, and there she was. My best friend. Tawni Hart. Lily screamed and ran off to her to hug her.
“Mommy!”
I smiled, as I watched her jump on her lap and get her Bag and keys.
“Let’s go, my sweetie!,” Tawni said, making her way to the car with Lily on her hip.
I darted after them, and opened the car door for them and drove off.
5 minutes later, we arrived home. We were so hungry so we ran off to the kitchen, only to see this. Empty pots. Empty dessert pots, and of course Chad Dylan Cooper, my ex-boyfriend in the sitting room.
“CHAD!,” I screamed angrily, showing him the pots. “Who ate the frickin’ food?
“Um…. Me.,” Chad said nervously, biting his nails.
“That’s it. And to think I was going to give you another chance. I’m just gonna say this once. You better start packing. Get outta my house. Ill put 30 minutes on the microwave and you better be done packing when that microwave beeps.,” I said firmly, pushing him away and going back to the kitchen to cook and have a good cry. While I was cooking, Tawni and Lily had a major cuddle session on the sofa.
“Chad, I’m not messing with you! 25 minutes! You better be finished!”
I made the same thing I made before- lasagne, meat pie, and a nice molten lava cake- again! By the time I had finished cooking, Chad had finished packing. He came up to me, and tried to kiss me, but I slapped him.
“Don’t you dare! You know, it’s not even about the food, even if you didn’t eat the food, I would still kick you out!,” I screamed. I clenched my hands into fists, thinking about my baby. My head was about to explode. I was about to cry, but I couldn’t because I was happy in a way, because Chad was out of my life. I thanked God that he wouldn’t be in my baby’s life.
“I’m sorry. I love-”
“Get out.”
“Please-”
“Get out.”
“Babe-”
“GET OUT!,” I screamed for the last time, pushing him outside with his suitcases. “And don’t you dare come back!”
And with that I put my back onto the door and started crying, feeling my stomach. I found out what I just lost. My baby’s daddy. “How am I going to look after my baby?,” I thought myself.
“Baby, we’ll get through this. Your mommy will protect you. I love you, my lovely, or lovelies.,” I told my unborn baby or babies.
I cleaned my tears, and cut a large piece of lasagne and meat pie for me and Tawni, while Lily had a toffee chew bar.
“Mommy?,” Lily asked.
“Yes, sweetie?,” Tawni asked.
“Sonny said we’re going to London.”
“Did she?,” She said, smiling.
I nodded, went to buy the tickets and went to go pack our suitcases.
“So we leave tommorrow.,” I said, coming from upstairs. “I’ve printed the tickets. What a nice way to get away from Mr. Armadilldork.”
“Yes, that weasel! I hate him now!,” Lily said angrily. “By the way, why were you vomiting before?”
“Um, Um, I’m going to have a baby, sweetheart.,” I said, kissing her on the forehead.
If you want to read the whole story here’s the link: http://www.webook.com/submission.aspx?p=f01e1e2bc3ba4416b5bcfdf02872c2df&st=5165a62d439f464c8e45fb6a63a83287
Im 12 nearly 13.
Answer:
Answer by Sweet Willie
I really do!
Thank you very much for this cute fiction.
: )
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Another chapter from my story, plz comment?
Question: Another chapter from my story, plz comment?
Bailey was quick to get off of the bus. With her nose filled with dry blood, she couldn’t wait to run to the nurse’s office. Her nose hadn’t bled in years. The last time she had a nosebleed, it was in the third grade. It was so hot outside during recess that the blood started pouring out of her nose. She had forgotten how much it hurt.
“Bye, bitch!” she heard Maria call.
“Whoa,” Jamie’s voice said.
Bailey looked at her. She had on a Mickey Mouse t-shirt with brown suspenders. Bailey had been looking everywhere for them, but they were difficult to find.
“Don’t ask,” she sighed.
“Maria gave you a bloody nose?”
“Of course.” Bailey still had her hand over her nose.
“You just can’t catch a break, can you?”
“That’s it,” said Bailey. “The world hates me. But I kind of deserved being punched after calling her fat.”
Jamie laughed uproariously. “It’s not like you were lying!”
“Well, she did call me ugly first.”
The girls entered the school building. The moment she entered through the door, she was greeted with laughter. Olivia, Ginny, Brenda, Ashly, and the others were all pointing at Bailey.
“Yay,” she said blandly. “I just made a grand entrance.”
“Ignore them,” advised Jamie. “They got nothing better to do. By the way, why’d you take the bus?”
“My father took my car keys because I tried to flush my progress report down the toilet.” explained Bailey.
“That stinks,” Jamie said sympathetically. “The bus is awful!”
“Don’t rub it in. Oh, I forgot to tell you something. You were right all along; that invite was a joke.”
“I’m so sorry,”
“I’m so stupid,”
“No, William is just persuasive,”
Bailey shrugged. She always got the short end of the stick. That one time she actually thought she was going to fit in, it turned out like Carrie. The only difference was that there wasn’t pig blood and fires involved.
“Guess where those directions led me instead?” she said to Jamie.
“Where?”
“Benford,”
Jamie’s mouth formed an O. Bailey just nodded in confirmation.
“Are you okay? Did someone try to mug you?”
“Well, there was this one old lady who asked for change at the gas station,” Bailey said. “But I wouldn’t consider that mugging.”
“Wow, they hate you that much to want you dead?”
“I guess so. I met a jerk too. He ended up putting gas in my car when I ran out, though.”
“Was he cute?”
“Like I care.”
“What made him a jerk if he put gas in your car?”
“Cause he asked me out on a date.”
“And?”
“But he said it in an arrogant way. Plus, he’s vulgar and he banged on my car window to get my attention as if he were trying to rob me.”
“Guys are weird,” Jamie said absently. “Anyway, I’ll see you in Geometry!”
“Later,”
Bailey walked down the hallway past several students who were staring at her. She caught William who was laughing with his friends. He looked her way when she got closer.
“How was Benford?” he shouted, gaining crude laughter from his friends.
“A walk in a park,” she said sardonically.
She managed to dodge out of their sight. She was planning on revenge, but she didn’t have it in her. She just wanted to lay low and make this week as decent as possible.
Answer:
Answer by Nalla
send me a copy when you have finished 
sorry havent seen the other chapters but this one is brilliant i would like to read it
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