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Question: could anyone help me understand my depression better…?
I think i’ve been depressed for many years now, since i was about 9/10 (i’m now 16). I can’t even remember a time where i was last happy and i’m not even sure why i’m depressed, because there’s no real cause, i just constantly feel sad.
I cry multiple times per day and I don’t even know why. I just feel the need to cry and break down whenever I’m by myself (which is quite often).
I pretend to everyone that i’m happy and everything is ok. I even pretend to my friends too. I always fake a laugh, smile and forge conversations.
I did once tell one of my friends how i’ve been feeling and then she told her mum, who then wanted to speak to me about everything. she told me that she thought I should go see a doctor.I told my mum about this but she never took me seriously.

I used to cut myself but i stopped last year when i found it hard to cover my scars.
My eating habits are also messed up. Since December i had stopped eating much (only up to 500 calories per day and exercising a lot- it even got to a really low point where I thought that 100 calories per day may have been too much)
I had lost 20 pounds by March. I’m not even “fat” i’m just obsessed with weight loss.
I’m eating more now (about 1500 calories per day and exercising not as much). I only started eating more because my hair started falling out and my grades DROPPED. so to help concentrate more, i started eating more. But i plan on eating less again once school has finished.
But to be honest, i feel like my depression has completely ruined my life. I don’t do as great as i used to in school, I don’t socialize at ALL. I have friends but I ignore them because I just can’t be happy and I don’t want to annoy them. I feel like i have nothing to say to them, so there’s no point in talking to them.
Another thing that really bothers me is that I NEVER leave my house. I haven’t left my house (except from to go to school) in MONTHS. It used to be a lot worse, when I used to find it difficult to even go to school. I just like to be at home by myself. It’s like I’m scared to leave my house.
And when i was bullied in school, i used to regularly skip school.
I also have this imaginary world in my head. which i think may be completely messed up, but i don’t know whether other people have these too…?
And in this world, I’m a completely a different person, and the bad thing is, is that i LIVE in that world. Everything I do is within that world. I can’t think of real life, because of everything in my head. It’s actually delusional. But it’s the only place i can be happy.

I have had suicidal thoughts, mainly when i was about 10-12 years old. And i know it’s weird that a child would have such thoughts, it’s just that at that age i knew that i didn’t want to live anymore and suicide was what i frequently thought of. But i knew the consequences; the impact it would have on my family.
I remember when i was 10, i kept a diary, where i wrote deeply about suicide and potential ways i could kill myself.
And i have “tried” to overdose on painkillers before but wasn’t verysuccessfull, it just hurt my body reallybadlyy for about a week.
But now I’m not suicidal, and that because of my religious beliefs.

I think all this stemmed from the fact that i was bullied really badly from the age of 3 to 13. I NEVER had friends, i was always alone at school and nobody talked to me. I always hid out in the school library.
It started in primary school, where kids would pick on me and exclude me because of things i never had (i actually come from a fairly wealthy family, but i was just never spoiled like other children). But then this carried on in middle school, where it became more of a racial thing. And i was considered an outsider because of my strong religous beliefs and just the fact that i was never materialistic, so i never cared about wearing the “cool” clothes or having the “cool” things.

I went to 3 different middle school because I never fitted in and because of bullying.

But now, I’m at a school where i have many friends. But i’m only close to a few of them and i ignore them alot and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I don’t like getting close to people; the longest friendship i’ve ever had has lasted about a year. Then I move on from people.
I have also never been close to my family, so maybe this is a reason why i find it hard to be close with other people…?

I guess all i want to know is what this is? Is it depression? What type? And why do I hate to leave my house and only seem to be happy in the world i created in my head? I this a problem that i have a world in my head?
Because nothing in my life is physically bad; there’s nothing actually hurting me, but myself.

So if anyone would help me understand better and see what i could do to get hel

Answer:

Answer by andy
Just get a deck of tarot cards and look at the pictures then get a tarot book from libarry and read the pictures meanings. Tarot is the most in depth wide spectrum psychology man has discovered.

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