Healthy Cooking

Question: Does this type of family sound normal to you?
Alright, this is going to be a really, really, really looooonnngg question. So prepare yourself.

I come from a really traditional and old-fashioned family that also held high expectations for every single person (which is never a good thing), and, I hate to say this, but almost everyone in my family is extremely narrow-minded and extremely shallow.

The family members, especially my elderly grandparents, expect me to be 100% perfect and flawless 24/7. And I’m not kidding when I say this. They would tell me to watch my weight, to be skinny, to be pretty, to be smart, to be rich, to be successful, etc. Now lemme tell ya, I’m not any of these things. I’m not skinny (height – 5’7 | weight – 130-140 [I'm refusing to weigh myself right now] | waist – 28″-31″), I’m not pretty and I know that for a fact. People who are complimenting me are only doing so for the sake of it or they want something from me. I’m not smart, my personal budget is low, and I’m a current high school student that has no direction in life. Despite all of this, I still have to sit through endless lectures they gave me about how “smart and pretty and skinny” my mother was when she was young.

And I just wanna say, “Well, my dear grandmother, in case ya haven’t noticed – which I’m sure ya didn’t – I’m not my mother!”

Now, my parents aren’t any better. But before I say anything else, let me say that I do love and respect them unconditionally, but they give me no respect and the love I received from them were kinda not what I expected.

So apparently my mother used to be quite a looker when she was young, and now she expects me to be all beautiful and attractive like her too. Although recently she stopped bugging me about my figure since I made up this story about how a girl committed suicide due to low self-esteem, the things she said to me before really left scars on me.

“Your stomach is so full of fat”

“Your thighs are huge”

“Don’t worry, honey, I used to be fat too” Like, WTF?!?!

“I’ve never noticed how big your legs are”

“You are so stupid, why can’t you just learn this already?”

And the list goes on. So what kind of mother says those kind of stuff to their daughter/son?! I’m being 100% serious and honest here, she really did say those things to me before. Appearance-wise she didn’t say anything to me (yet!), but I’m guessing that she’s too embarrassed to say so. Another maddening thing she could often do is to compare me with other girls, sometimes even my friends! All of these caused me to become anorexic during my early teen years, and eventually I fell into stages of early depression. However, due to my sports and since I was still a bit young back then, the whole anorexic shenanigans eventually stopped and I ate healthily. So that brought me to my father. My father used to be a professional basketball player and there was a rumour in my family that he also used to be a special agent or something like that. But the whole basketball thing is enough to make him want me to become a professional athlete too. I am training everyday for my fencing career, and my father had decided to make me an Olympic champion, or I would be a fail at life. Huh. But the whole thing is colliding with each other. Let me explain. My mother + grandparents want me to be as skinny and pretty and perfect a human-being can be, but at the same time my father’s trying to feed me everything in the world. Most family dinners would end up disastrous because my father would try to “improve my body and athleticism” by making me “eat healthy food”, but then my mother would only allow me eat selective food that passed her test.

All of these superficial things had ruined my life. I used to weak and obedient, but now I see what they are doing to me. My own family is destroying my life. I know that they love me, and they probably did not notice the things they were doing, so I forgive them. But the things they’ve said and done had left me an empty and unhappy childhood and years beyond. I suffered from major low self-esteem and low confidence, yet my mother is still trying to “improve my confidence level” (which failed miserably, as I predicted). I feel that I am a bird trapped in cage and can never escape, because growing up in a family like this made myself a perfectionist and am unsatisfied with everything I do, which left me angry and sad at the same time, yet I can’t do anything about it.

Everything I’ve went through is indescribable by words, and I really don’t know how to express myself. I really hope it is not too late, because I really want to change this. I’m worried for my family, myself, my future, and my future family. Help!

Answer:

Answer by [email protected]
Sounds like you want to please all of them but no matter what you have to please YOU. My boyfriend recently gained some weight and his mom is always like, “gained a little weight there, did ya?” and pats his stomach. It really pisses him off so he just said, “ah! there’s a few more wrinkles I see/grey hairs I see/etc”
Another problem I see is that you’re letting them walk all over you. It might cause tension but go ahead and freak out a little. Tell them what you expect of yourself. Tell them that you are not your mother or your father, nor do you aspire to be. You aspire to be your own person and you have your own, individual, unique hopes, dreams, fears, desires, etc. Tell them when what they say pisses you off. “here eat this it will help you lose weight” NO. I don’t need to lose weight, I am a good size. (which you are btw. 5’7″ and 130lbs is NOT FAT, a 28″ waist is a perfect size). If your mom tells you you’re stupid just say you’re doing the best you can, or ask her for advice on how to do the task better and see what she comes up with.
You just need to stand up for yourself a bit. Make yourself known, important. You are not a doormat for everybody to walk on.

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